My perspective keeps growing and changing, often times when I'm challenged by the people around me.
I had an experience like that this week, at work.
All of you know what a shitty day I had on Wednesday, into Thursday this last week, right?
So clearly, when I went to work Thursday, it was pretty obvious that I was hurting.
Two of my coworkers 'know,' to be best of their comprehension, what is going on with me. Which means one empathizes, but doesn't know what to say, and the other talks about hiring someone to hurt my 'cheating' husband. She's only halfway kidding.
But they're doing the best they can, I realize that. However, that doesn't mean it's healthy, or right.
So on Friday, over lunch, they asked me if I was doing any better, because it seemed like I was having a hard day the day before. I told them yes, it was really hard, and told them the quick summary version of why I had been upset. In the 30-second version, I got choked up towards the end and had to stop talking for a moment-- to allow the feeling to be felt, and let it pass, so I could continue.
The two girls I was talking to nearly came out of their skin in discomfort.
"Quick!" one said. "Get that magazine in here to distract her!"
I told them-- I'm okay, I can tolerate my feelings.
The other said-- Let's talk about X, quick, that will help!
Then they quickly started babbling about God knows what. It didn't matter what-- the point was simply to get me to stop talking.
They honestly could not deal with me having feelings in front of them. Their first instinct was to jump in, smother the discomfort, make it go away. As if distracting me in that moment will make me forget that my marriage is ending.
Contrast that with therapy, where anytime I try to move on while crying I'm told to stop. To feel what I'm feeling. To understand what it is.
The thing is, I fully get that I might have done the same distraction technique pre-recovery. I don't recall anything specific, but it seems like formally 'normal' behavior to me. And that's so sad to me. Are we really raising women, and people, to freak out the moment someone expresses emotion? When did tears become perceived as something so awful-- so wrong-- that efforts must be made immediately to shut them down?
It just seems so sad to me that this is how people are regularly treated. People with legitimate pains are told to hush up-- to buck up (my Mom's favorite), to suck it up, solider on, and deal.
What are we doing?
It reminds me of S-Anon-- how the second a woman starts crying, the Codies in the room can't fling the tissue box at her fast enough. But in therapy, Mama Zen says that we all need to practice getting our needs met, so no one passes tissues without having first asked for them. And the biggie-- because it can unconsciously send a message that that person's tears are not okay with the group, and they need to take care of them.
After she told my group that, I watched-- and she was right. Every S-Anon meeting where someone was crying and was handed tissues, they stopped.
Sometimes, I'd rather just live in recovery world. As tiring, tedious, and draining as it can be sometimes, at least it's honest. And I've really had it with dishonesty. I don't want to live my life covering up my 'bad' feelings. **heavy on the sarcasm, I don't think my feelings are bad at all. But I'm sick of the 'real' world treating people with legit feelings like they are pariahs.
